Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
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Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I would move hell over six inches for you
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.