[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I only treason on days ending in y
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.