Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
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The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate