* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not