DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
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Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”