Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
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My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*