Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
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[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.