Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
5 ways to appear taller
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Try and stop me.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.