Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
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Tastes like chicken.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”