Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
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One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.