Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.