I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Raisins are grape jerky.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.