Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
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I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
The three genders
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.