@SortaBad: Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
@SteveSuckington: I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I'm the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
@panmidwest: ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You're shallow and selfish. I'm leaving you and taking the kids.
@TheMichaelRock: No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.
@eedrk: Girl: Some1 in my house can't call 911 they'll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don't seem desperate): hey
@JRevard: If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.