@SortaBad: Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
@OctopusCavemann: If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
@ArfMeasures: ME: The mugger...he called himself "Antman"
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that's him!
@ericsshadow: In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
@shadygrenade: *ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it's my only one]
@ashmensch: No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.