@SortaBad: Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
@SaraMansford: Maybe artists wouldn't be so starving all the time if they'd just eat all that fruit they're always painting.
@Momfia: The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
@SuperApple8: Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.
Him: Mom, I'm doing my homework.
Me: *claps* Star!
Him: I hate Twitter.
Me: *belch* blocked.
@themiltron: [working at Bed Bath & Beyond]
ME: Hi there, may I help you? What are you looking for?
CUSTOMER: Shower head.
ME: Sir, please, we just met.
@StellaRtwot: I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.