@SortaBad: Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
@NotKarma: Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
@NicestHippo: Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you're a wizard
@PJisBeast: I used to sanitize my son's bottles and Lysol his toys.
Then I caught him chewing on the dog's tail.
@furrrizzle: People that have their kids on a leash get very defensive when you pet them.
@E_coli___: Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?