@SortaBad: Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
@davedittell: yeah, we r a non-traditional family. instead of naming our dog, we let him name us. I'm Woof, this is my husband Woof, & these r Woof & Woof
@shatty48: Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
@GuyThe_Guy: Autocorrect just turned "stepdaughter" into "lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider"
@zoebread: firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
@fro_vo: [First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*