Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.