dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
You Might Also Like
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.