[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
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If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was