Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
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Oh, I bet you would be
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
🤣🤣💀
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”