[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*puts words between two asterisks*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.