Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
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Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Yeah. This was me today.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.