Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
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People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I think they could have phrased this better
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that