I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
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I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches