[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
uber drivers love asking where you鈥檙e from even though they just picked you up from there
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I鈥檇 really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there鈥檚 nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever鈥檚 birthday it is. So since it鈥檚 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Greeting humans vs their dogs
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I鈥檓 very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 馃憡
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn鈥檛 lying. When you鈥檙e here, you really are family.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
congratulations to them
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.