*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
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Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
oh my gosh!!
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!