Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
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me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing