20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
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Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My Indian name is dances without coordination.