I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
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Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.