depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
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Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.