Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
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No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Just a reminder, folks:
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.