Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
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Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
honestly, i need both: