@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
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@ilovepie84: My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.
@GodDammitDanny: To the guy who just followed me with "Conservative, God-loving, pro-life" in his bio... are you sure you want to do this?
@TDeeRock: You know what Victoria's Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.