@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
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@stevevsninjas: Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts. Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
@lloydrang: If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
@AndyShulk: When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.