@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
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@squirrel74wkgn: *extends arm for handshake* Me: Hello, it's nice to meet you Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind Me: Oh.... HELLO, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU
@billcheek26: I'm taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can't lose them there, I'll try the mall again.
@HatfieldAnne: Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.