@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
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@Cheeseboy22: I saw this heartwarming video of baby bears climbing out of a dumpster and thought, "Who would throw away a perfectly good baby bear?"
@AmishPornStar1: You know you're getting old when you sound like a women's tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
@murrman5: [at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED