@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
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@whalesmells: You're the apple of my eye. The grape of my elbow. The lemon of my foot. The banana of my hair. My sweet hair banana.
@prufrockluvsong: me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one? him: is it leftovers again? me: it's leftovers again.
@goolicker: There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails, but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.
@pinningnut: N: Why are you picking up rocks? M: I'm starting a rock band. Neighbor walks away. That is how you get people to leave you alone.