@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
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@Knob_ish: Scroll Scroll Scroll your phone, gently down the screen. Merilly Merrily Merrily Merrily MY GOD THAT'S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
@rickkondell: Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they'll mace and taser you. In that order.
@: HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone? ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend HIM: what? ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low HIM: what did you say? ME: that ur secret’s safe with me :)