I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
You Might Also Like
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*