“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
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If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Good news
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.