*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
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When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.