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@NervousJr: Don't feel like going to the gym? Go to all your ex's facebook pages and see who they're dating now. Then go to the gym.
@JohnCleese: Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer? Me: No. 4: Can I check? Me: Do you have a warrant?