[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.