@michael_raphone: [describing a chair] it's like a swing without all the drama
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@NurseSeymour: Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It's called Facebook.
@jwoodham: It's almost Christmas, which means it's almost time to hear my parents' new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn't under the tree again.
@BDGarp: Okay, you got me, I'm not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
@withanewname: psychic: "I see... I see kids in your future" me: "but I've had a vasectomy" [9 months later ... me tending a goat farm] "This's bullshit"