[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”