Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
adam and eve had first world problems
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.