@rickolantern: Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.
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@Tetley6969: I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don't have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
@ShittyComedian: No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.
@cervixsmash: Dad: Why are you eyes so red, son? Son: I smoked weed, dad Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you are a faggot