@rickolantern: Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.
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@Tommytoughstuff: "Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out."
@ozzyunc: "As a creative person I'm often asked where I get my ideas." Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don't.
@BadJordon: Dominos just called to let me know my pizza's on the way. They correctly assumed I'd need time to find my pants.