The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
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8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again