[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.