[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
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Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
You sure about that?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone