[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower