[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
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If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
i choose….tongue
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again