[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.