[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
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*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do