[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
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I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Try and stop me.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.