[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
You Might Also Like
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”