[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Tony Hawk, age 6
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Great acting.. 😂