[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
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The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?