“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
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My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Spotted in New Orleans.
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.