[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
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If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?