[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.